Ten thoughts every non-parent has while shopping for a baby shower

Set scene: It is 6:45 on a Friday night. Time for some Netflix binge watching. Girl leaves couch to dig through the freezer in a search for a pint of Karamel Sutra Core. Girl notices invite for Baby Shower taped to freezer door. Girl notices that said Baby Shower is tomorrow. 

  1. Oh crap. Is that tomorrow already? *Puts on acceptable clothes to wear in public. Drags significant other/ best friend/fully charged iPhone ready to snapchat out the door* 
  2. I will only purchase items for this baby at Target tonight. Now where’s the baby section?
  3. *Finds baby section* Everything is so cute here! This is like a whole new land of Target waiting to be discovered.
  4. *Makes eye contact with cute baby carried by his mom who is currently wearing cuter clothes than I am* Babies are adorable. I want a baby. I can be a stylish mother who carries her baby around while casually shopping at Target.
  5. *Reads through registry* What’s a mobi? What’s a bobby pillow? Is there really a difference between a receiving blanket and swaddling blanket?
  6. *Notices adorable pink baby leggings, cute little guy ties, and 700 graphic tees* Baby clothes are so cute! I want a baby.
  7. Ooh the ruffle butt baby leggings are on sale – I’ll buy one of each color. This baby is going to be the cutest baby ever.
  8. $199 for a baby crib? $199 for a crib? For a baby? How about $199 for food for a month! We cannot afford babies right now.
  9. *Notices previous sighted baby is now screaming bloody murder* We do not want babies. Time to get out of this section. This is exhausting.
  10. Ben and Jerry’s is on sale! Score!
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